Vote Tory or Lord Voldemort wins

In what is becoming a regular feature of this blog, I have to explain why it is late, and why my previous post promising to be on time for ever more was, in fact, a big lie.

Well, the answer is this time, wizards did it. Evil Wizards. Oh yes. Before you read any more of my ranting, you must read the following article(1), entitled Harry Potter: Fascist Ubermensch.

http://www.liberalconspiracy.org/2009/07/07/harry-potter-and-the-fascist-ubermensch/

It is one of the maddest articles I’ve ever read. (2)

What follows is my slightly ranty deconstruction of said article, based on my political prejudices. In effect, it is the long promised “rant about politics” I originally said I’d deliver in late January.

Presumably, JK Rowling has not been informed about this article.

Let’s face it, even if she had, no doubt as a Racist Homophobe Misogynist her comments would have been deleted by the left wing blog's message board moderators. (Check the comment policy)

I assume this article is a mildly amusing, well written (3) joke. I’d like all my comments to be taken in the same vein. Unless, of course, the author is serious, in which case I will be first up against the wall when the revolution comes; well, maybe second after the Reichcommissar for Corrupting children’s minds, JK von Rowling.

Basically, I think the author, and three other people in tinfoil hats, have realised that Harry Potter is the greatest revolutionary political tract since Marx. (4)

We Tories are planning to subvert politics by indoctrinating your children through the sinister medium of good quality children’s stories. We even fooled Steven Fry into reading them on tape! Ha ha, the world is ours!!

To quote the article (5), “However, they would be far more likely to be born Muggles, and be subject to an ancient, corrupt system of political and racial oppression in which they do not even have the right to their own experiences “.

Yes, wizarding is evil and racist by default, I suppose.

Obviously, I support both Racism and Evil, and enjoy the books, because I’m a Tory. And hey, it’s all about public schools, and therefore by default, monstrously heart-eatingly evil. The point of the books is "obviously" to create racists, entrench aristocratic privilege and support corrupt politics.

Seriously, this is something I despise. In the 1980s, the Left in British politics got the idea that it was “Good” and the other side was “Evil”. Good and Evil are fine concepts to have in a book about wizards, but Evil should not be confused with “has a different, equally valid opinion to mine”.

Anyway, back to the jokes. What would a socialist’s vision of Harry Potter’s world be like? Let’s ignore for a second the fact that JK is a major labour donor, and formerly dirt poor single mum who probably has far more idea of the aspirations of the grindingly poor working class than the average left wing blogger.(6)

Wouldn’t the world of the books be better if the Ministry of Magic legislated to allow muggles magic powers or nationalised magic use in a classically socialist way ?(i.e. by chronically overmanning it and then running it inefficiently). Well obviously not, because JK Rowling is calling for racial segregation - “magic” is clearly here crypto-capitalo-fascist code for “money”, and obviously, Laurie has discovered our evil scheme.

At a minimum, wizards should pay higher taxes or something. I can’t imagine why JK Rowling didn’t include a full and detailed examination of the Wizard’s tax system in any of the books(7); I think an opportunity has been lost for a chapter on Mr.Weasley filling out his self-assessment return, and talking at length about how he benefits from a redistributive tax regime that gives his money to disadvantaged communities of Miners.

Equally, why doesn’t Harry pay inheritance tax on the Gold he has in the Bank? More subtle subversion of your children to believe that property maybe isn’t theft. Even more subtly, Harry is representative the classic propaganda victim of the anti-inhertiance tax lobby; if you’ve never questioned why this ludicrous tax is unfair, ask yourself for a second, is it fair for the state to take 40% of his wealth as a penalty for his parents being stupid enough to be murdered?

Even as a Tory, I must admit Azkaban is not an ideal prison - it’s clearly not harsh enough. I mean, the Daily Mail has been campaigning for bringing back hanging for evil wizards, people who misuse plastic bags, uncured gays and immigrants - being locked up in oubliettes having their souls sucked out by evil demons isn’t nearly harsh enough for them.

No, seriously, it fails penology 101 because it has no rehabilitative element, no provision for regular exercise and Soul-sucking is clearly in breach of the Human Rights act, which as a public authority, the Ministry of Magic has a duty to maintain.

Why isn’t there a chapter where Clive Stafford Smith boldly scales the walls to issue an injunction to the Dementors? Probably he’s a bit busy with that whole real world Ghost prisons thing. It is of course arguable that JK was showing us the consequences of a poor prison system - it strikes me that dark wizards are classic prisoners trapped in a cycle of institutionalised re-offending.

All joking aside, is it just possible, maybe, the authorial intent in drawing the patently absurd Pureblood/Muggle-born (8) divide was to highlight and expose children to the dangers of unthinking racism? That’s the meaning I took away from it, and since as a Tory I am a fascist with the intelligence of a six year old, thus I think by the Laurie’s own yardstick I can gauge what children will take away from it.

Equally, isn’t Hogwarts in many ways the ideal meritocratic comprehensive? There is literally no social barrier to get in - your dad can be an aristocrat, senior figure in the labour party (9), whatever, and unlike Oxford, Cambridge or Eton, no amount of money can buy you in - you have to earn your place on merit and merit alone.

The ultimate point is this; even if everything Laurie Penny says is true; even if the motivating goal driving JK Rowling to produce the books (10) was to inculculate every child who read them into being a fascist (her words, not mine), then I’d argue that the sheer impact the Potter books have had in terms of promoting the “cool” factor of reading to a generation of children outweighs this.

Literacy is the cornerstone of civilisation; it is the most important tool in levelling social inequality, more important than any number of half-baked initiatives from Ed Balls and the other fat clowns at the ministry for Education, Families and Croissants, or whatever it’s called this week. This is particularly true if you think of the worldwide impact Potter has had - the book has been translated into 67 languages, and has been read by millions of children in some of the poorest parts of the world.

Potter strikes a chord precisely because he is the opposite of what Laurie Penny claims; he is the everyman, the poor kid made good, the universal human belief that maybe, just maybe, you could be special and amazing.

Even if you believe the books have a bad moral message, the value of making literacy an essential fashion accessory to a generation of children is of inestimable worth in terms of broadening the horizons of children worldwide. I’d go so far as to say, JK Rowling has done more to achieve the laudable goals of the Labour movement than eleven years of Labour government.

Equally, Potter revitalised the ossified children’s publishing business(11); there are certainly fantastic books that would never have been published without the Potter phenomenon. Not just children’s books; Potter has made Bloomsbury into a publishing titan - no Bloomsbury, no Kite Runner (12) for example.

Ultimately, if Laurie Penny is good, then I’d rather hang out with JK in the evil corner.

Willard

1.)When I say “must”, I mean, “my blog post will not make much sense if you do not read this article, but feel free to not read it because it is crazy Marxism of the worst kind." Well, I suppose arguably this article is a better kind of Marxism than the kind that inspired Stalin, but if you can say one thing about Stalin, he certainly made tractors sexy, had a good moustache and won world war 2. Oh, and boy, could that man Purge.

2.) The maddest article I’ve ever read is by a woman called Julie Bindel, who is an advocate for the view that only Lesbians can be feminists, and compares women who believe in equal rights but have heterosexual sex to French Collaborators with the Nazis.

In case you really want your mind boggled, it’s here. Comes with a free tinfoil hat, too <http://www.guardian.co.uk/lifeandstyle/2009/jan/30/women-gayrights?commentpage=12>

This isn’t just mad to a Baby-eating Tory like myself. This is mad even to my friend Louise, the lovely, left-wing lipstick lesbian - a former editor of the Pink Paper, who frequently wears a badge saying “Dead men don’t rape”.

For extra Matt Smith “Give her both barrels” value, she has been known to playVampire: The Masquerade, commonly voted the gayest game ever.

She summarised why it was mad by pointing out that it puts most young women off of labelling themselves feminists, damaging feminism as a whole, and even worse, implies that sexuality is a choice. To appreciate how offensive this is to the average gay, think of the implications - for a start, it means those American evangelists offer to cure your Gayness could be right.

Of course, it could mean every right thinking, red blooded heterosexual man is only one listen to YMCAaway from thinking leather chaps look great on thick, hair thighs. That’s obviously mental, Ja hans? Natrulich!

3.)That said, the writer is just bad at English comprehension on any number of points:-

“It cannot be ignored that the Muggle world is entirely unattractive: not a single Muggle of the few that appear in the book is either enviable or positively presented”

Off the top of my head, Hermione’s parents are consistently portrayed as lovely people - Guardian readers, no less.

“There is no evidence of there having been a female minister of magic”

Even if this was true, I could point to huge numbers of strong, powerful, important, well drawn female characters which would make the statement meaningless. Of course, what actually makes the statement pointless are the repeated references to the previous Minister for Magic being a woman , who obviously ran a tighter ship on crushing Dark Wizards than Cornelius Fudge.

Assuming party politics are the same, this demonstrates, Tory Magic Ministers are better than Labour ones.

Maybe they have more regressive tax policies or were nasty to Goblin miners something.

Let’s face it, Fudge has New Labour written all over him e.g. “Dark Lord arises - I’ll spin doctor my way out of this one”….”problem with people who disagree with me - better detain and torture them”…not to mention that at the end of his tenure, the country is a total basket case - tell me this isn’t a clear analogy of the current New Labour government.

“Complete lack of sexuality except for in the context of sterilised, heteronormative dating/marriage rituals.”

Since when have dating, romance and love been heteronormative? Would a scene where Draco Malfoy goes to a nightclub, does some poppers and nails some buff stripper he doesn’t know in the toilets been more appropriate and in some way better represent gay sexuality?

I think the only “Heteronormative” thing pointed out is Laurie Penny’s own opinion i.e. that gays are incapable of feeling Love - and on that evidence, I brand her a vicious homophobic fascist:)

4.) With the obvious difference that Tsarist censors failed to ban Das Kapital on account of the fact it was considered “far too boring to be dangerous”.

5.) Because I know some of you didn't read it through to the end.

6.) I really, really hope Laurie Penny lives in a huge mansion in Hertfordshire, went to public school and owns a pony. All the best socialists are massive hypocrites. Inevitably, the shit policy decisions that are good enough for you and your children are always far too unfair to be tolerated by them.

Witness Tony Benn’s evasion of the death duty he’s campaigned for 50 years for you to pay (<http://www.taxpayersalliance.com/media/2007/10/the-mail-on-s-1.html>); Harriet Harman’s decision to campaign against selective schools while simultaneously sending her children to them… (<http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/uk_politics/5350450.stm>) Incidentally, Harriet Harman is my housemate Mr.Orange’s aunt.

7.) For those suffering an irony drought, it is because this would be VERY BORING IN A KID’S BOOK YOU SILLY SOCIALIST PERSON. IN CAPITAL LETTERS DELIBERATELY, YES, BECAUSE I’M SHOUTING! THROUGH AN IMAGINARY MEGAPHONE!!!!

8.) Pretty sure muggle is a racial slur, btw, but as a muggle I’m reclaiming the word, ok?

9.) This is a reference to one of the more loathsome figures in politics, the 21 year old prospective Labour MP Georgia Gould. Her father is a Lord, she went to a private school and then Oxford and was then foisted on the Labour voters of an inner city area, who promptly rejected her in favour of, I hope, a pie eating, whippet racing, coal- under-the-fingernails socialist who probably controversially cared about his constituents rather than seeing them as peasant stepping stones on his predetermined path to power.

I have to ask what can any given 21 year-old offer as an MP? The answer, according to Georgia Gould’s PR people, was that she is a “top debater” for Oxford University. I did take some exception to this claim, it’s fair to say. This claim, which seems to be trumpeted as the only fig-leaf preventing her from being seen as a true 18th-century rotten-borough candidate, is broadly untrue.

I was actually one of the UK's top university debaters (I debated 2000-2003 for University of the West of England, 2003-2007 for Middle Temple, was twice winner of World University Debating’s most Amusing speaker award, was 8 times top speaker at UK National Debating competitions) and I know all of the best debaters at Oxford University (including the last 4 world debating champions), and I have never even heard of Miss Gould.

I am told she spoke internally at Oxford on occasion; but being a member of a Sunday League team while unemployed does not entitle you to claim to have been a Professional Footballer. Even if she were a great debater, it would hardly qualify a 21-year old to represent the views of 60,000 hard working people, or take decisions on matters of state.

Christ, as a matter of fact, being a 21-year-old great debater barely qualifies you to find your arse with both hands.

10.) As a capitalist, I’d suggest the huge pile of cash may have been at least a persuasive factor.

11.) See, when you prove there’s profit in making children read, then investment in children’s books goes through the roof. When capitalism works, it really works.

12.) Or The Shoe Princess’ Guide to the Galaxy, which sounds erm, great. On a serious note, I’d also point out The Suspicions of Mr. Whicher, a truly fantastic book.